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That time I walked in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show (but not really)

Last night, I dreamt that I was walking in the 2016 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show and it was a mix between being one of the coolest things I’ve ever done and a total cluster fu*k.

So, for starters, I was not an Angel (so no wings), nor was I a featured model. I was just one of the newbie girls, who no one really knows her name yet and the cameras don’t really spend a ton of time zooming in on her or capturing her gestures at the end of the runway.

So, that was cool. Less pressure.

Since I was in the show, I got to fly on the private V.S. jet and partake in all of the activity leading up to the show – fittings, rehearsals, extreme workout sessions, etc. I also received a ton of free clothes and make-up to wear at promotional events. All that sounds pretty awesome, right?

It was…until it wasn’t.

Things started to go wrong in my dream during one of the workout sessions, which doubled as a PR stint, so there was a ton of press hanging around taking pics, video, etc….you know the drill.

When I left my hotel in the morning, I thought I looked great. When I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at the gym, however, my face looked like a two year old had painted it on with crayons. Everything was lopsided and discolored.

My eyeliner was all smudged and my eyebrows were choppy and uneven, giving me the look of being horrifically surprised at all times. My foundation was an awful shade of green and brown where the bronzer should be. It was a nightmare!

So now I’m supposed to be doing this promotional gig that consisted of learning some aerial moves (you know that cool exercise you see in Cirque du Soleil shows, where you use long stretchy sheets to hang from the ceiling and look all graceful while contorting your body to music???) Well, in my dream, there was going to be a segment of the fashion show that incorporated aerial work this year and so all of the girls had to learn some moves.

We were working in groups of 5, each with a team leader that was considered one of Victoria’s Secret’s ‘top girls’. My team leader was Alessandra and of course, she did the routine perfectly. When it was my turn, I began to panic because there were SO many people watching and I knew that I literally looked like a clown because my make-up was such a disaster.

I start my routine and during my first flip, I caught my foot on the sheet wrong, swung around (leaving a disgusting makeup smear all over the white sheet) and am basically left dangling from the air, UN-gracefully distorted as the sheet continues to fly through the air to the music.

Ugh. Epic fail.

The next part of my dream involved doing interviews and for some reason, Ryan Seacrest was interviewing Ben Affleck and I was up next. They were talking about a movie that Ben just starred in and the interview got heated with Ben erupting from his chair and passionately launching into a scene from the movie to demonstrate a point that Ryan seemed to be missing

I turned around and saw Brody Jenner. He thought he knew me from somewhere and came over to give me a hug which ended up being totally awkward and instead of air kissing each other’s cheek, we bumped heads and accidentally half kissed on the lips/cheek. It was SO awkward and so he hurried off at which point I see my boo watching – no, not watching – standing a few feet away playing a game on his phone.

I’ll explain the awkward encounter later, though I’m sure he won’t be bothered by what happened. He is literally the least jealous person I’ve ever met which is both a saving grace and at times, infuriating. Brody’s girlfiriend (I forget her name, but I think it’s Kaitlyn or something like that), however looked a little annoyed by the awkward hug/accidental half kiss.

Ben Affleck had just finished his interview and I’m up next…my hands are sweating and as I take my seat in front of the cameras, I can literally feel the rest of my make-up dripping down my neck. I see the girls gather around to watch the interview – Alessandra, Adriana, Doutzen, Karlie, Kendall, Bella…also, all of the top producers for the V.S. show.

I can’t take the pressure anymore. I feel like I’m going to throw up, but instead, I wake -up… relieved.