Lost and confused…
It’s been awhile since I’ve written a post. Sometimes, the guilt hangs over me like a dark cloud and then I remind myself that hey, this is supposed to be fun…right? So then why does it feel like a burden at times? I mean, I like writing, I like having a blog – so what’s the problem?
I think it’s this perpetual feeling of not being ‘good enough’. Of feeling like too much time has passed so how can I possibly catch up with everything that has been happening. I’m constantly on the go and so I have to fit blogging in between my hiking and skiing and numerous trips. Sounds like a tough life, huh? Are you judging me?
Lately, I feel like I don’t know myself. I don’t know who I am or even what direction I am going in life. I started this blog writing about fashion, New York City, and the ultimate jet set lifestyle. My life and blog used to be all about going to parties and raging until the sun came up. Sitting front row at the hottest designer’s fashion shows and then heading straight to the after parties when the shows were over. I had the worst anxiety and a perpetual hangover, but at the time I thought I was having fun. Sort of. I thought I was an extrovert, but clearly I wasn’t. I just drank a lot.
It has been a little over 9 months since I have stopped drinking alcohol and started calling Las Vegas my home base. It’s kind of funny that I would wait until moving to Sin City to give up my alcohol addiction and realize that hey, I might actually be an introvert. The 16 Personality Types Quiz, aka Myer’s Briggs, would confirm that I walk a fine line between the two (introversion and extroversion), but during sobriety, I am slightly more on the introvert side.
I rediscovered my love for the great outdoors and started hiking a lot more. Miles on the trail have taught me that I like solitude. I enjoy seeing the sun rise over the mountains in the morning and watching the stars come out at night. I started to find value in nature and in challenging myself to hike harder trails, incorporating some climbing into the mix. It turns out I like getting my hands dirty.
Minimilism started to appeal to me much more.
As much as I love fashion, I was too absorbed in it before. I was too scared to just be me. I had to wear makeup when leaving the house and heels were my best friend (or so I thought).
Now, it’s sneakers and a heavily purged closet for me. Heels on a rare occasion, but certainly not a daily event. After geting rid of so many clothes (including a few outifts I do regret parting ways with in retrospect), I have become much more selective with what I bring home. I will no longer buy anything that I don’t absolutely love, because it is important to me to truly value the few possessions that I have. The whole ‘quality over quantity’ bit.
Same thing with people. I no longer have a huge collection of friends. After all, I began to realize that many of my ‘friends’ were really just drinking buddies anyway. Try telling one of your drinking buddies that you decided to quit drinking and see how long they stick around. Of course a few did, but I found them utterly unbearable to be around sober. I mean, how many times can you listen to a drunk person repeat themselves before it starts to make your head spin?
It’s just not funny anymore.
So I have no idea where I am going with all of this, but I guess I felt like I had to start somewhere. Just feeling the keys under my fingertips is kind of like taking a breath of fresh air. I don’t want to make any promises like I have in the past, because I honestly don’t know how often I will post or what I will be posting about.
Hiking? Sking? Travel? Fashion? Music? All of the above?
It’s super confusing, I know. And that’s because I myself am confused.
So here I am and here you are (if you’ve made it this far).
Cheers (with sugar-free Red Bull – or your drink of choice – alcoholic or non) to whatever comes next.